Chapter 15: Donation Angel (2)
Translator: Pai_
【Please select one of the following to unlock.】
『Today's Fortune』
『Job Listings』
『Wellness Guide』
"Today's Fortune! Wellness Guide!"
They were all the sort of Regular Columns one might find in any newspaper.
Other people might have wondered why Mun Su-ho was getting so worked up over this.
But Su-ho knew better than anyone that the Prophecy Newspaper was no ordinary paper. The classifieds alone had been extraordinary.
'Those new columns are bound to be on a completely different level!'
And then Mun Su-ho felt as though he were about to burst into tears. Felt being the main word.
"Father......!"
The reason this man suddenly cried out for his father was not due to a habitual episode of brainless filial-piety seizure syndrome. There was a very intellectual reason behind it.
How had the discovery that [donating points to the Prophecy Newspaper unlocks new columns] come about in the first place?
It was, of course, thanks to Mun Su-ho blowing his leftover 5 points into thin air during an upgrade. In other words, it was pure accident.
And those 5 points had originated from none other than his father, Mun Geum!
'If Father hadn't suffered through that food poisoning.'
'And if I hadn't caught it early through the Prophecy Newspaper and disposed of those medicine bottles with all the filial devotion and loyalty in my heart, I never would have ended up with those 5 leftover points!'
Now was not the time for sentiment. Mun Su-ho sprang to his feet, left the guard post, and dashed toward his ever-giving father.
Mun Geum, who had been clearing the wreckage of the destroyed wooden palisade out in the open yard, was startled. His youngest son was barreling toward him out of nowhere.
"S-Su-ho?"
"Father. Thank you!"
Mun Su-ho dropped into a full prostration right on the bare ground in front of his father. Splat! For the record, it had been pouring rain until just moments ago. A mudslide cocktail, co-produced by heaven and earth, splattered all over the father and son.
It didn't stop there. Mun Su-ho threw his mud-soaked arms wide open and pulled his father into a bear hug.
Mun Geum, forcibly conscripted into this impromptu mud festival, was utterly dumbfounded. He'd even dug out the clean cloak he'd been saving, specifically because the Baron was visiting today!
But then, at his son's next words, his heart melted all over again.
"I am truly, truly happy to have been born as your son, Father! Please, stay exactly as you are and never change, forever and ever. To me, you are already the perfect Platonic ideal of fatherhood itself! I love you, Father."
'I'm not entirely sure what's happening, but my son is praising me......!'
Mun Geum was deeply moved.
In truth, it was the first time he had ever been praised in his entire life. In all his years through middle age, when had anyone ever told Mun Geum that he was already perfect just the way he was?
Not his liege lord the Obsidian Baron, not his parents, not his siblings, not his legal wife, not his concubine, not his eldest son, not his second son, not even his daughter had ever lavished such praise upon him.
(Which was also excellent evidence that Mun Geum was primarily surrounded by people who valued sincerity and honesty as virtues.)
"Ah, son. I, your father also lo......"
"Well, I'm busy so I'll be off! Goodbye!"
"......"
Watching his son zoom back the way he came, even faster than he'd arrived, Mun Geum's expression drooped.
A middle-aged man's first-ever attempt to tell his youngest son he loved him had been thwarted.
Unfortunately, not many people placed much value on a middle-aged family man's sulking. Mun Su-ho, now back at the guard post with the Prophecy Newspaper spread open again, likewise counted himself among the social majority on that front.
'I need to choose which column to unlock carefully.'
The red-and-yellow flyer hadn't only listed benefits. It also thoroughly noted precautions that subscribers needed to heed.
【※Warning: Only one column may be unlocked at this time.】
【To unlock additional columns, further donations are required. Please participate in our Donation Culture Promotion Campaign and raise your Donation Grade!】
【※Warning: New column options will be revealed each time your Donation Grade increases.】
【However, there is no guarantee that the columns currently displayed will appear again at that time. Once a column is selected, the choice cannot be reversed, so please choose carefully!】
"Hmm."
Upon reading this, the rusty hinges of an old memory drawer creaked open inside Mun Su-ho's head.
"So....... it's a system like that thing. You know, that thing. Where every time you level up you get random options, and you can only pick one ability from them......?"
He was trying to recall something like Vampire Survivors from his previous life. But a brain whose wrinkles measured martial cultivation tiers in units of Qi Refining ○ Level was never going to recover such high-grade information.
In any case, the only thing that was clear was that he had to pick one out of three.
Mun Su-ho looked down at the options once more.
『Today's Fortune』 『Job Listings』 『Wellness Guide』.
His eyes ping-ponged between the choices. A low groan escaped his lips, dutifully reporting its owner's crippling indecisiveness.
"They all look so good......!"
Wellness Guide.
This was probably the kind of column that popped up in newspapers now and then with things like 'Common knowledge that keeps you young!' or 'Eating this food actually purifies your blood~' or 'Life hack for back pain sufferers! Posture-correcting stretches!' and so forth.
In real life, one would typically follow along with a stretch once or twice, then arrive at the epiphany: 'Ah, so my brain has "laziness > health" hardcoded into its priority queue!' and that would be the end of it.
But this was the Prophecy Newspaper.
There was an extremely high chance it would reveal not some run-of-the-mill posture correction tips, but genuinely practical advice on body techniques or martial arts!
Mun Su-ho already had the experience of diligently consuming the Potion of Loyalty through the Prophecy Newspaper.
So no matter how he thought about it, he was certain the Wellness Guide couldn't possibly be just a simple health column. He was certain of it. And yet.
"Today's Fortune....... How am I supposed to resist that?"
The fortune column.
This option was strong. Way too strong!
'No matter the situation and regardless of the genre, luck has always been the supreme stat among all attributes!'
Luck started out punching above its weight class.
If one could divine one's fortunes and misfortunes every single day. Better yet, if one could know what to do to dodge misfortune and seize good luck... it was obvious that the difficulty of life would plummet.
[Lucky, aren't you.] That single phrase was a maxim that pierced the very truth of the world. Across all of history, the life everyone dreamed of was that of the blessed protagonist for whom everything goes right.
"Ngh."
With options like these, even Mun Su-ho, who never hesitated, found himself uncharacteristically indecisive.
Oh, and Job Listings? Su-ho didn't even spare it a glance.
He figured it was probably some sort of quest board that supplied missions, but Mun Su-ho was already perfectly content with his job as a gatekeeper.
Nothing was sadder than an SR card awkwardly sandwiched between SSR cards. It was unfortunate for Job Listings, but it would just have to quietly wait for the next opportunity.
'The Wellness Guide, which might dramatically raise my physical and mental cultivation?'
'Or the fortune column, which would reliably serve as my guide to good luck.'
Mun Su-ho let out a long sigh.
And then, press!
As if to say there was no reason to hesitate once a decision was made, no matter how long the deliberation, his finger shot straight down and pressed one of the options on the flyer.
The Regular Column that Mun Su-ho decided to unlock was...
【'Wellness Guide' has been unlocked as a Regular Column!】
【Starting today, the 'Wellness Guide' column will be available immediately.】
【Our publication covers only the highest level of expert knowledge to improve our subscribers' health.】
【Thank you for participating in our Donation Culture Promotion Campaign!】
【Current total donations: 5 points】
【Subscriber Donation Grade: Lv.1】
None other than the Wellness Guide.
Anyone would have expected his eyes to be dead set on 'Today's Fortune', but there was a sound reason Mun Su-ho chose the health column over the fortune column after all that deliberation.
'The fortune column...... honestly, the Prophecy Newspaper itself already does that job well enough!'
This was the biggest reason.
'The Prophecy Newspaper reports on today's and tomorrow's events. Meaning I already have the ability to control [luck] and [misfortune]. In a sense...... the fortune column would just be redundant.'
'On the other hand, what about health?'
Health (健康). It literally meant a state of being strong and at ease. [TL: 健康 when broken down means 健 (strong/robust) and 康 (at ease/or at peace)]
To endure intense exertion without breaking a sweat, to have stamina that never runs dry, to have mind and body untouched by disease... that was health.
As Mun Su-ho saw it, 'Today's Fortune' would merely foretell one or two days' worth of fortune and misfortune.
The power to control fortune and misfortune beyond a single day, across a week, a year, and even an entire lifetime, came from this very healthiness!
'Yeah. This is the right call.'
'Even though I was lucky enough to take the Potion of Loyalty last time, my combat power and stamina, viewed from the perspective of the entire kingdom, are still only at Qi Refining Level 1.'
'There are 10 years until the apocalypse, and I can't stay at this level forever! I need to find a way to raise my actual combat ability.'
If the Prophecy Newspaper hadn't existed, Mun Su-ho would have chosen 'Today's Fortune' without a second thought.
But if it was merely day-to-day luck and misfortune, the Prophecy Newspaper could handle that well enough.
In that case, the Wellness Guide, the one area the Prophecy Newspaper had never been able to satisfactorily address, was precisely what he needed most right now.
"Now then! Show me the reward for donations given with nothing but pure goodwill!"
Squirm, squirm. Click-clack, click-click-clack.
Letters in the Prophecy Newspaper shuffled about busily, like tiny insects. They were making room for the new 'Wellness Guide' column.
In the process, various inconsequential articles were shoved around.
Font sizes shrank, articles were evicted from their original spots. They wanted to cry from the injustice of it all, but the Prophecy Newspaper was an editor without blood or tears. The articles had no choice but to quietly vacate their space.
『Wellness Guide』
And so, ta-da.
A Regular Column was unlocked on page 2 of the Prophecy Newspaper.
「You get exhausted by working day after day. Isn't it true that you have far too little time to look after your own mind and body in peace?」
「Recent surveys report that more and more modern people have come to perceive qi (氣) as merely something flowing inside the body, forgetting the sensation of coexisting with this world.」
「According to one study, this trend has led to the staggering loss of tens of thousands of pieces of health-related knowledge over the past 1,000 years, causing great concern.」
「Here at the Wellness Guide, we plan to design a daily health routine for our subscribers, helping you escape the ailments of modern life and gradually return to your innate Qi Sense, step by step!」
Scroll, scroll, click-click-clack.
The letters of the Prophecy Newspaper kept refreshing their sentences ceaselessly, as though reacting to Mun Su-ho's gaze. This, too, was a result of the quality boost from upgrading the Family Newsletter to the Clan Newsletter.
Mun Su-ho felt a peculiar sensation. Watching the column's lines squirm and update in real time like this gave it an oddly fresh feeling.
'This is just like...... getting one-on-one personal training from someone on the other side of the page, isn't it?'
That wasn't the only unusual part.
In truth, obtaining the 'Wellness Guide' at this particular point in time was nothing short of heavenly fortune for Mun Su-ho.
The Elixir of Purification he had gulped down a few days ago (which, though Mun Su-ho may have forgotten, was not actually called the "Potion of Loyalty") had originally been produced not in the kingdom, but in the dragon empire.
From the moment he consumed this elixir, Mun Su-ho's Eight Extraordinary Meridians had diverged from those of an ordinary kingdom-born person.
If Mun Su-ho had recklessly tried to learn a Cultivation Technique from a different system, celebrating that he was now free of Impure Qi... much like installing a game on an incompatible OS, there was a considerable risk of all manner of unidentifiable errors plastering themselves everywhere.
Then what about finding a Cultivation Technique tailored to him?
That was no easy task either.
As the Deep Investigation had mentioned, the Elixir of Purification was made in the Rou Hua Long Nation, long before the kingdom was even founded.
In short, its performance was disgustingly excellent, but its compatibility was even more horrifyingly disgusting. An extremely niche OS.
There were no experts among those from the kingdom who had mastered this particular system. There was a reason why the elixir had ended up shoved into a lost-and-found warehouse and forgotten.
「First, shall we try feeling the vital energy stirring in all things of this world? Let's give it our all and work on getting healthier, always with energy and a spirited shout!」
And so, what the Wellness Guide produced was a Cultivation Technique introductory manual custom-designed for Mun Su-ho.
A secret among secrets that could not be found anywhere in the vast kingdom, and even beyond the kingdom's borders, could never be obtained unless from the Rou Hua Long of the Rou Hua Long Nation itself...
"Yes, instructor!"
Oblivious to all of this, Mun Su-ho just answered with sheer enthusiasm. Ignorance was bliss.
As if in response to his spirited reply, the Prophecy Newspaper's health column printed onward with even more vigor. Click-click-click-clack.
The opening passage of this monumental secret art, as far as Mun Su-ho was concerned, went as follows.
「Now then, from the moment you read this passage, you will become aware.」
「You will become aware of the fact that you are breathing.」
「You will become aware of the fact that you are blinking.」
「You will become aware of swallowing your saliva, and of the position of your tongue inside your mouth....」
".........!!"
Mun Su-ho flinched, his pupils trembling violently.
For the record, its performance was disgustingly excellent, but its compatibility was even more horrifyingly disgusting. An extremely niche OS.
The world had agreed to call such a thing a Demonic Arts Manual.
****
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